Moved

I am moved by the sweetness of a loving gesture

I am moved by a gentle touch

I am moved by the whisper of a kiss against my cheek

I am moved by a warm embrace

I am moved by passionate love

I am moved by joyous love

I am moved by sweet and tender love

I am moved by seeing happiness in someone’s eyes.

I am moved by another’s tears.

I am moved by the overwhelmingly adorable sight of a sleeping baby

I am moved by a baby’s breath against my neck

I am moved by the innocent and delightful laughter of a child

I moved by music so beautiful it takes your breath away

I am moved by the beauty, majesty and splendor of the mountains

I am moved by the ebb and flow of the waves as they gently roll onto the beach

I am moved by a beautiful sunset as the sun disappears in a splendid array of color

I am moved by the miracle of God’s love for me.

These are the feelings that I will embrace and cherish. I will let the experience of them fill me so completely that when a negative emotion tries to invade my soul there will be no room for it. It will have to find someone else to consume. I will be too full.

by Julie A. Barrans

Father's Day

Today was Father’s Day. This is always a hard day for me. This is a hard day for people that don’t have fathers. It’s also a hard day for people that have fathers that have been abusive or neglectful or absent in their lives. It’s so indescribably painful to have a father that doesn’t love you. Every human being born into this world needs a father that will love and cherish them. So, when you don’t have that there is something very important missing in your life. There is an enormous void.

The immensity of this has weighed heavy on me today. My heart grieves on this day. I grew up with a dad that not only didn’t love me but hated everything about me. He was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to the point that sometimes I thought I was going to die or I just wanted to die. I seriously could write a book about the horrible things he said and did to me. They were things that no child should ever have to endure. I lived in terror and fear of him every day of my life. Any little thing might set him off into a violent rage and he would take it out on me. When I was 19 he disowned me. He is still living but I have not seen him for 38 years. As far as he is concerned I am dead. He actually had a funeral service and buried me. My whole life I wanted more than anything in the world for him to love me. I so desperately needed him to love me. I always thought if I was just good enough, or perfect enough, or tried harder I could make him love me. I thought that there must be something terribly wrong with me. I thought I was unlovable. I felt unworthy of love. I grew up feeling that way about myself most of my life.

When I was a young girl in church people would say “think of God as a father”. I had a hard time with that concept because I already had an abusive father that hated me. Why would I want another one? That idea scared me so badly that I could never think of God in that way.

It wasn’t until I married Dave and we had children of our own that I was able to see God as a loving father. Dave was, and continues to be an amazing father to our 3 boys. He loves them and would do absolutely anything for them. I am ever so grateful that my children have had that kind of father. They have been so blessed. I’m not always sure they truly appreciate how fortunate they are to have such a great dad. I think kids that grow up with loving, attentive, caring fathers take it for granted to some extent because they don't know how painful life can be without one. They have no idea what it’s like to have a dad that doesn’t love you or care about you or, even worse, hates you.

So, for all of you that have wonderful, loving dads, please let them know how much you love and appreciated them. You are truly blessed…truly blessed.

Hymns

I love the new worship songs. They speak to my heart and soul in deep and profound ways.

I also love some of the old hymns that I grew up with. When I was a young girl our church had a senior citizen choir. I will never, ever forget the Sunday they got up and sang "God Will Take Care of You". There were about 20 senior citizens that had lived anywhere between 65 - 90+ years of life. Most of them had walked with God for most of their lives. I'm sure they had all been through times of overwhelming heartache, loss, disappointment, stress, loneliness, sadness, etc. When you live that long you've pretty much seen it all. But there they stood with their strong conviction and faith and sang out so beautifully "God Will Take Care of You". They had lived it and believed it to be true. God had proven himself to them over and over again. It spoke volumes to me as a young girl and I still remember it as clearly as if I'd heard it yesterday. It brought tears to my eyes then and does even now as I remember it.

I also remember as a young girl going to a mostly black (now African-American) church in Seattle with my grandparents. They sang "Yes, I Know" like I'd never heard it sung before. Boy, did they sing with rhythm and enthusiasm! I didn't want the song to end. You knew when they sang it they truly believed that "Jesus blood can make the vilest sinner clean".

I know people don't like to think or talk about death, but when I die I would love someone to sing "My Jesus I Love Thee" at my funeral. I love that song and feel like every verse is a testimony of my faith and beliefs. I think it's my all time favorite hymn. Once in a while Molly will sing it during a worship set at our church on Sunday and she always sings it ever so beautifully. I always feel the presence of God sweep over me when she sings it. I could listen to it over and over again.

Some of my other favorite hymns are "Amazing Grace", "Be Still My Soul", "Nearer My God To Thee", "Near The Cross", "He Leadeth Me", "Old Rugged Cross", "His Eye Is On The Sparrow", "Close to Thee", and the list could go on and on.

As some of you know, Ryan is the worship leader at our church. I love that he incorporates some of the older hymns into our worship on Sundays along with the newer worship songs. I am always blessed by that. It shows such a respect for those songs of old that have touched so many of our hearts and still have such meaning today in this "contemporary" world we live in.

Kevin plays on one of the worship teams at Mars Hill Church in Ballard. I have a recording of him singing "Amazing Grace" during one of their worship sets that I listen to quite often. It always touches my heart to the core when I listen to it.

In the meantime, I will continue to be moved and immensely blessed by the newer worship songs. God continues to put new songs into the hearts of many talented song writers these days. These songs will continue to bless us all in profound and meaningful ways. God uses different kinds of music to speak to us all in so many different ways. I believe that music truly is medicine for the soul. It is for me. I am singing melodies in my heart to Him even now.

Blessings

In the midst of life's difficulties God has helped me to focus on the many blessings He has bestowed upon me. Following are just a few of the magnificent blessings that I am ever so grateful for:

1. A God that loves me more than I could ever imagine. He is revealing that to me more and more each day.

2. A husband that loves God and still loves me after almost 38 years of marriage.

3. 3 amazing sons that are blessings and gifts from God. I love them so, so much.

4. 3 absolutely wonderful "daughters" that I love dearly and have blessed my life in ways I cannot even begin to describe.

5. 3 of the most beautiful, precious grandbabies that have brought so much fun, love and joy into my life.

6. Friends and family that I love and cherish.

7. A wonderful church family.

8. Provision for my daily needs.

9. Emotional healing from childhood abuse and traumas.

10. Physical health.

11. A home with all of the necessary things I need.

This list could go on and on really. There are so many people out there that are hurting, heartbroken, that have broken relationships, that have lost loved ones or have even lost everything.

I am overcome with gratitude for each and every one of these blessings. What more do I really need? God is so good.

My Journey

I didn't start this blog because I necessarily thought that many people would be interested in what I had to say. More than that, I did it because I thought it would be good for me to actually put my thoughts into writing. I tend to hold things inside, which has been taking a toll on me physically and emotionally. I think this will be very therapeutic for me. I think it's important for me, at this stage in my life, to express myself. So, that's what I'm doing.

God has been speaking into my life in so many different ways lately and I wanted to record this journey that He's taking me on. I think I will look back on these posts with amazement at the marvelous and miraculous ways He leads me during the next weeks, months and maybe even years. It has to be a miraculous journey because God is in control. I already surrendered my trust to him (previous post). Now I will wait to see where He leads me. Where He leads me I will follow.

Trust

Oh God…help me to trust you more. When I feel alone and discouraged help me to feel your guiding presence in my life. When the stress of the world around me seems overwhelming …help me to trust in you. When the waves of the storms of life are crashing all around me…help me to trust in you. When I am sinking deep into the quicksand of despair…help me to trust in you. Oh, to trust you more Lord…to trust you more. I know you love me and have a plan for me that is good. I thank you for your grace and mercy in my life…even when I know I’m undeserving. Forgive me for my lack of faith and trust. Forgive me for letting myself get caught up in the stress of my circumstances. Help me to keep my eyes on you. Help me to rest in you. Give me the strength and courage to walk through these dark times knowing that you are with me, guiding my every step if I will allow you to. Give me peace in the midst of the storms of life. Help me to surrender to your will for my life, whatever that may be. May my life be pleasing to you God...may my life be pleasing to you. You are God of the universe and you are God of my life. My faith, my hope and my trust are in you. Your grace abounds to me.